Some days...

 Somedays, for no real good reason, the questions get all turned around.

People keep saying "what's wrong?" And you know the real question is "what's right?"

It's like having a nasty pet...

For some reason, some people keep nasty pets. Like angry pit bulls.
These pets are kept on a tight leash, and the owner has to be ever vigilant 
lest they slip the leash, turn on you, and tear you up.

Some times you think you could just reach out and lightly caress them, show them a little love and care, and they could be tamed. There could be peace.  What the owner knows, is after a couple of deceptive strokes, that monster is going to turn and rip you up. He has to keep the hand tight on the leash or the beast tightly locked up behind closed doors. And he knows that with the slightest crack in the door, that monster wants OUT. 

And wants out bad. 

I have thoughts and memories like that. Everyday I need to make sure they are locked up or held in check on a very tight leash. One moment everything is fine, the next chaos. The slightest lapse in attention or being lax, a place, a day dream, or a smell, and that sucker will slip the leash and run rampart. It wants out.

And it's a vicious little bastard. Goes right for the heart.

I think it enters through the mouth, cause I always feel a lump in my throat.

And that makes my eyes water.

It's like a hand rental....

So I have always been openly skeptical about psychics. 
Not that I don't believe that the possibility that there are forces, (or people who could tap into them), but more the dingy room profiting and playing on others hopes and wishes. 
Or the grand-standing and shameless cheating and manipulating of large venue money making shows like Crossing Over etc.   I think there is a special hell for those evil people.

So today I am driving by, and I think " I should get my palm read." 

I have no desire to know the future.  I couldn't care less about what anyone would have to "tell" me about the past.

However, I realized the thought behind the thought was pretty simple. 
                It's a great way to pay someone to hold hands with you without it being weird.

Then I became aware of how much I miss holding Lori's hand. I have reached for her subconsciously many times, then felt silly.         But up until that point, I never really objectively qualified the amount of time that we spent connected in that way.

It was a lot.  Like all the time.  More, I think, then what I see others do.
                I wonder if others thought we were weird?

I don't know how it started, but I am pretty sure that every single time we were together we held hands when we said grace before eating.

I would very often wake up beside Lori in the morning, and be holding hands . Often they  were almost sweaty, so I can only assume we must have been doing it for a period of time.

If she wasn't knitting, we held hands in the car. For hundreds of miles. 

She reached for my hand when we walked. On planes. In airports. In movies. In meetings.

It felt good. 

There were many nuances and messages. A slight squeeze and a subtle redirection of a finger to point out an odd person in the crowd. I knew when she liked a song or agreed with a point someone said. A warning twitch when I was putting my foot in my mouth, or being harsh.  A double tap when everyone was wading through the "where to eat" options, and she wanted help to sway the kid jury. A triple squeeze to let me know she was loving me. And yes, the dirty messages she would write with her finger, one letter at a time onto my palm, while I was supposedly paying serious attention to something else.

I'm sure this all adds into that "disconnected" feeling.

Maybe,

.... at some point the care bus comes around again. I hope it brings color back with it.

It is tiring...

It's like being on duty all the time. 
You are the only guard in this prison camp.
Villigence is the key word. Never let your guard down.

The prisoners must walk the plank.
Straight on. One in front of the other. Heel toe heel toe.
March straight on, and no one gets hurt.
And everything seems fine.
The warden and public are happy.

But drop your guard or let your attention waver one little bit,
And you"ll see just how narrow that plank is.
The thoughts, so tightly controlled, will start to wander
slipping off to the sides,
And you'll be over the edge in an instant.

One sodden failed mass.

No worries ......

I find it slightly disturbing that every time I pick up a gun, the thought

                                 "I'm coming, honey"

goes through my mind.

The chipmunks like the fact the scope is a blurry...

A hug was an event

This has been on my mind for the last couple of days

I am thankful for the memories of each of the countless times that Lori would suddenly just stop what she was doing, put it aside, and walk over and give me a hug.

                 ***** For no good reason.******

A book would be turned face down. 

Knitting set aside on the floor.  

The mixer left running and flour all over the counter.

My hugs were often more if I was passing by. 

               ---- She made hers an event-----

Not a lot of talk, no conditions, just an event that made you special

My advise:

Regardless what today was like, or last week, or even last year, stop the very important thing you are doing, ( like hanging out online ), get up and go find your Significant one and give them a heartfelt hug. 

You have better things to be doing. Do them now.

Strange days indeed....

Not sure why, but did not have it together yesterday. I think the worst day yet.

Oddly, I was productive, sat in the office and did all the things I meant to get done, which were lots of the things I hate.

Never got on top of it, spent a lot of the day with swimmy vision. Went back to bed 4 times.

Finally had a fire in the fire pit and tried to read, but the mosquitos came out. Lit some fireworks to smoke up the area, but the reality, of course,  is its better to have your best friend sitting by the fire with you.
.
.
.
Not really sure of the point of writing this either. Maybe it helps to get it out. Lori sure believed in a journal.

Waiting for the point that I stop dreading there is a tomorrow

I Just Realized I'm Homeless.....

I live at a house in Milford. 

When I reference that place, I find myself saying "I'm going to the house", or "I'm at the house".

I don't think, "I'm going home",  when I leave to go there.

I fully blame Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros for this.  It's that song of his called Home. 

We really felt it to be true, that home is wherever I'm alone with you.

I guess I will just be a street person.

                                 But I look forward to going home......

Honey

http://youtu.be/59BZxgohr9g

Exit stage left - June 8th, 2013

Olivia has left the building.

Not so cool with that. 

It's a new world, 

             but not a brave new world.

" everything is definitely not the same babylove "

                  Time to re-read Liseys Story

Wanna take a bath?

Day after day, love turns grey Like the skin of a dying man And night after night we pretend it's all right But I have grown older and You have grown colder and Nothing is very much fun any more. And I can feel one of my turns coming on. I feel cold as a razor blade Tight as a tourniquet Dry as a funeral drum Run to the bedroom, in the suitcase on the left You'll find my favourite axe Don't look so frightened This is just a passing phase Just one of my bad days Would you like to watch T.V. ? Or get between the sheets Or contemplate the silent freeway ? Would you like something to eat ? Would you like to learn to fly ? Would you ? Would you like to see me try ? Oh I don't know Would you like to call the cops ? Do you think it's time I stopped ? Why are you running away ?                           Pink Floyd -One of my Turns

Today we mourn the passing...

of  Middle Finger of the right hand.   Middle Finger lived at the Lori's Right Hand, 476 Route 13 South, Milford, NH for the last 11 years. A native of Newburyport, MA, Middle Finger was the last surviving member of 10 Siblings, having been pre-deceased by2 brothers and 7 sisters.

Middle Finger was extremely useful and helpful, picking up the slack and tasks left behind by the passing of her siblings. She will be missed by all who knew her.

Viewing hours are daily at the home of Lori and Eric Pikcilingis, 476 Route 13 South, Milford, NH

Fear = Lack of Trust

really.

Was up in a man lift, and at 60 feet got nervous to walk to the low side to get the chainsaw. Really.
Knew it was dumb, but later was thinking about it and realized that because the lift was leaning so bad, I stopped trusting that it would not tip over. Once I didn't trust it, I became fearful. If I would have really believed that it wouldn't tip more, I would have run over there and grabbed the saw.


So what are we all afraid of? Stop and list your fears. For me, all of them come down to a lack of trust.

Lori and I were talking about this, and as we are fearful of the future, and all it may bring. I really think this is just our lack of trust showing.

I'd like to trust more.

Hmmmm.... Been a while

maybe this will be amusing for a bit.

It is now 1/3/11 and things are sill the same in some ways, and way worse in others.

After some first hand experience and observation, the best way to handle someone choking is to ignore them. Worse than getting food down the wrong pipe is the embarrassment that while you are in an uncontrolled fit, everyone is stopped, silent, concerned, and WatchinG....... that makes the choking part seem easy....... I am going to just do my best to carry on and then very privately keep watch in case something really does go wrong.... But as long as there are sounds, there really is nothing you can do anyway, so why not spare the indignity and just keep on.

Day 2 - Bike trip to the Southwest (- the west)

Breakfast at 8:45, on the road by 9:15...

more pictures here
http://community.webshots.com/user/cire_irol

met Mark, went to ruins, then to plaza Blanca - hiked up slot canyon
rode to Chama, went up pass into Colorado, then back to Chama.
Hustled 1 hour to Pagosia Springs CO and checked in then headed for meeting.
After, we ate at Sonic, Then back to the springs for a soak in 103 degree water.

only one bummer. Kevin got his hand pressed by a big rock. took some skin back and dinged a fingernail. We cleaned an wrapped it. Must have stung like crazy

but still having a blast
edmond

Hanging out in New Mex - Day 1

Olivia and I joined some others on a bike trip for charity. We donate $4.07 for every ten miles we travel. So far the advance team has gone 2200 miles, then this morning we hooked up and started riding.



A beautiful day and great scenery...





Olivia up on Sandia Peak and G-man killing a burger...

A Very Sad Day

Olivia, the kids & I attended a young mans funeral today. We are saddened by the loss and our hearts and prayers go out to his family.

Just a simple stretch of road about a mile from his house, Hard to believe the damage to the car.

You will be missed....

A Very Good Day At Curt Shilling's House

We stopped by the Shillings place for a very long day of meetings. We arrived at 8:45 in the morning, and stayed in the same room, in constant meetings, until 2pm. We met with 13 different team members and learned about what they all do. Olivia tried out many new games and had fun with all her new friends. Here is a picture of her playing a blowing game to see how much CO2 she is producing.




Then she played Puff the Magic Dragon with her hyper friend. Glad I was along to video the game...


All the measurements that they took showed that she was the same as the last time she was there, so that was really really good news.

They did take some blood to test against some really long shots, and she will have another MRI in Nashua to rule out other long shot possibilities. However, even if she stays in this club, it seems that she will be a long term member and will be slow to play with some of her new friends.

We were very happy at the end with the results, and are still very optimistic. Thanks to everyone who mentioned us in their prayers and let us know they were thinking about us.

We were so happy with the report, that we did THIS.....

And then did THIS at Capitol Grill for lunch!
(and this is the best steak tartar)

Then we picked up this little Austin Martin that Olivia had had her eye on. All-in-all, a very good day and we are very thankful.

Thieves hit the New England Coast !

Dateline New England - Yesterday
Thieves looted and pillaged up and down the coast of New England from NH to Maine. Edmond managed to observe them hauling goods back to the lair and captured the following photographs. While police don't seem to be investigating, husbands and mortgage foreclosure specialists are hot on the trail...

One of the guilty trying to hide the goods


Only a portion of her share of the goods....

The get-away vehicle was stuffed to the gills with bags and food-stuffs. Many things were brought in through the back door to avoid the police. (at least all 6 legs will now be properly shod)

Finding more goods to haul to the car...

Absolute glee

MMMmmm.... let's drink this quart of brown gravy...
(then we can go run the chainsaw for a couple of hours)

So while I am sure we are poorer than we know, I know that they are richer in memories, so I guess it makes it all worth while.
Thanks to the 3 felons for coming this way for Olivia's birthday.